tranquilize - the killers feat. lou reed

Silently reflection turns my world to stone
patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
but tonight this engine's failing

My little experiment in the previous post turned out with the people I expected stating that they read my blog -- I even got a comment from "Nisse från Manpower" which I sadly couldn't decode, but of course I welcome him to the gathering -- and well, it is about ten people that I meet every day. As expected.

But my brain is still close to bursting every once in a while, so the blog will be around for quite a while more.

So, life!

All too many nights now I end up not being able to sleep. I turn the computer off, I go to bed, I close my eyes, and then I fail to fall asleep. Too many thoughts bounce in my head and it feels like I've got all too much to do to even realize what it is that I should do.

Because life sure does feel quite damned abstract every once in a while. An endless chain of going to sleep, sleeping to little, waking up and being tired, taking the bus, having a long schoolday, taking the bus again, doing less homework than I should, and then starting from the beginning again. And the only thing breaking the chain are weekends that can be divided up in the same way.

And yes, there is something missing.

Because my life is getting all too close to being a checkered paper, with everything scheduled and planned subconsciously on beforehand and that was not the way it was intended.

There is so much that feels like it needs to be added. For the first a purpose, a goal for which I can strive and aim for constantly and in which I can find inspiration to maximize my work in the areas needed for this goal to come true.

So what do I actually WANT with my life?

I want to learn to speak another language fluently, preferrably Spanish. When that goal is fulfilled I believe I'll go for French, and if I have time I'll try to learn German fluently as well.

I want to get out and away from Ystad, and after that from Sweden. There seems to be a spirit on Ireland, and dangerous for me or not, I want to experience it.

I want to do something I can be happy doing or not doing. I can be living without work nor point if I only have chosen myself to do so for a while.

And most of all I want a way to reach out and something to tell people, something that will make me remembered. Some way so that the ink of my pen, the extension of my arm, brain and soul will be interpreted by people that will listen, understand, and agree.

I want to be remembered, or do something that will be remembered. Fame is nothing I care about; only a worth in the great whole that is our world and life.

Yours as ever, and still not rid of thoughts cramming his head

4 kommentar(er).:

meng said...

It seems like no one knows what they want to do (except for maybe Alex, haha).. Sometimes I wish I was six years old and going to the zoo was exciting enough to keep me happy.
Less than two years left and then you can do whatever you want. Or almost, but you get my point.
Your writing is wonderful as usual :)

Snuggles said...

I really like you're comment. You've got a very good point there.

And thank you :)

Alex said...

Haha, no, I don't know what I wanna do, there are too many options and although that could be considered good, it also means that choosing one of them means turning down the others. And there's no guarantee what you want can actually happen.
I feel pretty happy anyways though cause I'm happy that I do have choices, that it's a challenge and that actually got to grow up, and I focus on that more than on the confusion most of the time (at this point, but once we get closer to graduating... =P) Still, it is very hard knowing what to do

david said...

Considering the previous posts, you know already that you're not the only one thinking about these things. Life can be pretty crappy at times, but the pain we live through right now (referring to IB) will help us in our lives. At least, we all are each other's friends, and there to support us together, so that we all do well. Which we will, haha.


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