tranquilize - the killers feat. lou reed

Silently reflection turns my world to stone
patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
but tonight this engine's failing


My little experiment in the previous post turned out with the people I expected stating that they read my blog -- I even got a comment from "Nisse från Manpower" which I sadly couldn't decode, but of course I welcome him to the gathering -- and well, it is about ten people that I meet every day. As expected.

But my brain is still close to bursting every once in a while, so the blog will be around for quite a while more.

So, life!

All too many nights now I end up not being able to sleep. I turn the computer off, I go to bed, I close my eyes, and then I fail to fall asleep. Too many thoughts bounce in my head and it feels like I've got all too much to do to even realize what it is that I should do.

Because life sure does feel quite damned abstract every once in a while. An endless chain of going to sleep, sleeping to little, waking up and being tired, taking the bus, having a long schoolday, taking the bus again, doing less homework than I should, and then starting from the beginning again. And the only thing breaking the chain are weekends that can be divided up in the same way.

And yes, there is something missing.

Because my life is getting all too close to being a checkered paper, with everything scheduled and planned subconsciously on beforehand and that was not the way it was intended.

There is so much that feels like it needs to be added. For the first a purpose, a goal for which I can strive and aim for constantly and in which I can find inspiration to maximize my work in the areas needed for this goal to come true.

So what do I actually WANT with my life?

I want to learn to speak another language fluently, preferrably Spanish. When that goal is fulfilled I believe I'll go for French, and if I have time I'll try to learn German fluently as well.

I want to get out and away from Ystad, and after that from Sweden. There seems to be a spirit on Ireland, and dangerous for me or not, I want to experience it.

I want to do something I can be happy doing or not doing. I can be living without work nor point if I only have chosen myself to do so for a while.

And most of all I want a way to reach out and something to tell people, something that will make me remembered. Some way so that the ink of my pen, the extension of my arm, brain and soul will be interpreted by people that will listen, understand, and agree.

I want to be remembered, or do something that will be remembered. Fame is nothing I care about; only a worth in the great whole that is our world and life.

Yours as ever, and still not rid of thoughts cramming his head
Snugglie

california - phantom planet

Well, hustlers grab your guns
The shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California, here we come
Right back where we started from

A few of you might recognize the lyrics of this song, and state that it is used as intro-song to the O.C. So before I say anything else, no I don't watch that show. The reason I've got the song here is instead since it's used in the movie Orange County with Jack Black and Colin Hanks.

Now, this movie has been haunting the back of my mind since I saw it last weekend.

(Warning! Spoilers ahead!)
And not in the I'm-looking-for-monsters-in-my-closet-way of haunting, this is a comedy and not a horror movie. But it's the concept. Dude living in a decadent place that he longs away from, realizes he wants to be a writer, applies to Stanford, doesn't get into Stanford due to administrary problems, so he enters an odyssey with his hippie girlfriend and loser brother.
(Spoilers over)

The movie in itself is great. One of those Hollywood-comedies that's actually good, partially because of Jack Black's pure presence. But enough of reviewing, that's not why I'm writing about it.

As stated, it's the whole concept. The dude finds out what he wants to do, and he does all he can to follow his dream. And that's where I enter the picture. Because fact is, I don't have a clear and visualized dream yet. Something with politics, something with History, something about living abroad and a little of being happy.

Swell that far.

But honest, how much is that actually? It's nothing. It's vague and completely impossible to put an aim for, since I have no idea what I'll need to do to reach a place and position I'm happy with. I've only got one thing clear, and that is that my area of work is more important than my salary.

The dude in the movie wants to become a writer, and according to the movie he - of course - has got a big talent for it. I don't know how much or well I can actually write when it comes to books, the only project I've been doing seriously got 42 pages long and then died due to complete lack of historical accuracy.

Dreams, dreams... What do I want to do with my life?

Now, thinking like this all the time is of course a very impractical thing, since it takes my mind of schoolwork. Studying amino acids, radians and greek dramas doesn't feel that tempting when I'm sitting and being slightly anxious as well as slightly overwhelmed by the different possibilities when it comes to my future. I want to do something that I can enjoy, something that I want to work with. Something that can bring me out in the world and eventually have me die at old age with a smile on my lips, knowing that I got the most out of it.

There's only one thing coming to my mind when I contemplate the matter. History.

I do it on my spare time, I read about it, I do it in school, I play games in the matter, and I think about it if I ever think of any school subject. It's the only thing I actually really can, judging from my own experience. Burying myself in History-books is something I could definitely do without any regrets.

But then again... history? What do you become then? Teacher? Historian? What does a historian do anyway?

No, I didn't manage to be too structured this time. But one thing is clear for me, I need to get a plan as well as a real dream, and the sooner I get it, the sooner I'll be happy with school, life and spare time. Which I need, desperately. This is one of those weeks when motivation is rationed.

I'd like to end with a poem that, if I know whose reading this blog, you're all familiar with.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference

I really need to find which way to take.

Yours as ever,
Snugglie