18:e balladen - lars winnerbäck

Javisst kan det va' hårt ibland
å kärvt å jävligt svårt ibland
Men när det väl blir bra
ja, så lycklig man kan va'!

Half a month and a little more since I last blogged. Guess that says much about my state of mind for the moment: I've got to get a grip of myself, and my studies. The school results might be slowly rising, I am to be completely honest not sure. It however has the cost that I don't really have time to blog anymore, since the little spare-time I actually have is spent either in Lund or on that bus that I've started to despise and sometimes hate (I'll come to that in a little while) or with friends, or alone with Ems.
And nowadays I'm thrown from overwhelming joy to pure sadness, and I think I can state with security that there are two major factors that have put me in this situation. The first one is, without doubt, the commuting. Hour after hour on a bus that doesn't seem to be going anywhere, hour after hour in an uncomfortable seat, and half of these hours spent in a way that feels totally wasted: to go back homewards, away from all that I enjoy and home to a place that is boring me to death, and which distance in between complicates everything.
Imagine, no matter at what time I end I will be home one and a half hour later, at the least. That is annoying, especially since these eternal busrides aren't very suitable for schoolwork due to bumpy roads and bad construction.
And well... I believe I don't even have to tell what a completely fucked up feeling it is to leave a movie-night at 2200 hours, then take the bus, be home at 2330 and have in mind that all others still are there, and according to all signs having a great time. Yes, that's right: I'm home before anyone else have left. No wonder one feels like shit when actually getting home, no wonder one have trouble sleeping some nights.
The other thing has emerged the last couple of days, but have escalated since November.
Mathematics. There are few words that I know of that can describe my situation in a good way. Fubar is one of the few expressions that actually works. Fucked up beyond all reason, that's how it feels.
Primarily I'm awfully pissed at myself for neglecting it the past half a year. Secondly I'm angry at the fact that I lack basics that I should have had. Thirdly I'm mad at ÖP for slowing down my development in so many ways in such a short time.
But most of all I'm scared. Scared of failing, simply. And not just the ordinary panic-panic that I'm not getting good grades enough or getting to few MVG:s; no, I am afraid of failing it. As it is now I don't even have a shot at Math B, I've only calculated half a chapter in the book.
It's my fault. Fuck all bad excuses, it's my fault for ignoring it and now I'm paying a bitter price.
I'm aiming at passing Maths. A G, and I'm happy. I can't achieve much more, any higher ambitions will suffocate me totally. That G is my salvation, because without it my whole world is falling apart. What about IB if I'd fail an exam? Dream on, farmer-boy.
Blesch, I don't want to think in those areas, but I can't help but do. If I'd fail I'm screwed in all ways possible, and even if not it's still painful to be so far behind. If there is anyone more than me this far behind I am very surprised. Not to mention that I'd consider that situation absurd.
Junior high gave me a bad impression of both my own and others capacity. From topping every class to being a good, but not best in a few subjects and simply lower half of the class in some subjects. And in Maths I guess that I simply am the bottom.
Yes, I'm counting it in prestige and that simply sucks. But hey, I'm getting used to the thought at least.
Wonderful Copenhagen tomorrow though. God and all other possible gods knows that I really need that. I need some rest, physically but above all, mentally.
I'll try to return to you as soon as possible.

6 kommentar(er).:

Alex said...

Yeah, I get that that's hard, but hey, we'll have a few math days and really work with math, kay? cause I need to do more math and this is a good motivation =) So, math days it is. Heh, but yeah, in this class it is a big change, I mean, I think most of us are used to being the best/some of the best, and now everyone rocks.
And with the commuting... well, not much to do about it. I guess you could take the train sometimes, but otherwise it's just the way it is. And at least you're in our class and not in Ystad, so it's still a great improvement you know ;P And you do seem a lot happier now than before. Nothing about life can ever be entirely easy, cause if life was easy we'd never learn. All we can do is to try our best. There's something good and bad about everything, I mean, going here is definitely something good for you, but the commuting is bad. Just try to focus on the good things and do what you can about the bad things but accept that you can't always affect it. In my experience that works the best.

ara said...

I feel you man, I feel you. Buses suck. Math sucks. I'm at 1.3 in Math B (fortunately I have already done Math A). So math days it is :P

And just think about the good things. With bad comes good. And with good comes bad. (My philosophy ftw)

Love and sex


mengan said...

Your tag "seppuku" made me laugh out loud xD I like math itself, but not the subject. Not the constant YOU'RE TEN PAGES BEHIND IN THE BOOK-pressure and definitely not the tests that are the scariest things ever invented. If you want to be good at math, there's only one thing to do: practice. Believe me, ten exercises a day and you'll get mvg's straight away. (Hey, that rimes) The problem is, there's never enough time to do that. Or rather, we don't take time to do that. There're always other things that seem more tempting, and honestly, anything else is more tempting than math after a long day. But there's always something you've got to sacrifice for good grades.
Alex's idea is great. If we ever have a math day, I'm definitely in :D And you know that Isabella is considering putting "Math help" for her CAS? :P

Snuggles said...

I like seppuku. It's a funny word.

David said...

I don't think I'd even be able to commute as much as you have been doing these past months. I can truly say that I feel bad for you about that whole thing. There's nothing to do about it right now, and that sucks. Still, you know that you will always have quite a few great friends in Lund, no matter what.
And yes, I agree that a few "math days" would be a really good idea. Should be done quite soon though, to get the most out of it.

lord sfemen said...

Maths. It is a profanity, a word far worse than any foul noun or verb or verbalized noun or nominalised verb a man can sputter in any sentence, any language. 'fuck' is not comparable to this word; nor is 'crap' or 'damned' or any term you might be able to come up with.

Mathematics, however...

Anyway, I'm probably one of the worst people in class when it comes to purely analytical mathematics (I am not sure of my position within the venerable and glorious field of non-analytical mathematics, but we hardly get to do anything of that while in the gymnasium). I have a lot of psychological problems with it: blockages caused by mental abuse, shit, and other stuff. I have entered the gates of hell (i.e. been on a mathematics lesson) and thusly abandoned all hope. I have tried to eat an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, and guess what, I choked on it.


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