å kärvt å jävligt svårt ibland
Men när det väl blir bra
ja, så lycklig man kan va'!
Half a month and a little more since I last blogged. Guess that says much about my state of mind for the moment: I've got to get a grip of myself, and my studies. The school results might be slowly rising, I am to be completely honest not sure. It however has the cost that I don't really have time to blog anymore, since the little spare-time I actually have is spent either in Lund or on that bus that I've started to despise and sometimes hate (I'll come to that in a little while) or with friends, or alone with Ems.
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And nowadays I'm thrown from overwhelming joy to pure sadness, and I think I can state with security that there are two major factors that have put me in this situation. The first one is, without doubt, the commuting. Hour after hour on a bus that doesn't seem to be going anywhere, hour after hour in an uncomfortable seat, and half of these hours spent in a way that feels totally wasted: to go back homewards, away from all that I enjoy and home to a place that is boring me to death, and which distance in between complicates everything.
Imagine, no matter at what time I end I will be home one and a half hour later, at the least. That is annoying, especially since these eternal busrides aren't very suitable for schoolwork due to bumpy roads and bad construction.
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And well... I believe I don't even have to tell what a completely fucked up feeling it is to leave a movie-night at 2200 hours, then take the bus, be home at 2330 and have in mind that all others still are there, and according to all signs having a great time. Yes, that's right: I'm home before anyone else have left. No wonder one feels like shit when actually getting home, no wonder one have trouble sleeping some nights.
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The other thing has emerged the last couple of days, but have escalated since November.
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Mathematics. There are few words that I know of that can describe my situation in a good way. Fubar is one of the few expressions that actually works. Fucked up beyond all reason, that's how it feels.
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Primarily I'm awfully pissed at myself for neglecting it the past half a year. Secondly I'm angry at the fact that I lack basics that I should have had. Thirdly I'm mad at ÖP for slowing down my development in so many ways in such a short time.
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But most of all I'm scared. Scared of failing, simply. And not just the ordinary panic-panic that I'm not getting good grades enough or getting to few MVG:s; no, I am afraid of failing it. As it is now I don't even have a shot at Math B, I've only calculated half a chapter in the book.
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It's my fault. Fuck all bad excuses, it's my fault for ignoring it and now I'm paying a bitter price.
I'm aiming at passing Maths. A G, and I'm happy. I can't achieve much more, any higher ambitions will suffocate me totally. That G is my salvation, because without it my whole world is falling apart. What about IB if I'd fail an exam? Dream on, farmer-boy.
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Blesch, I don't want to think in those areas, but I can't help but do. If I'd fail I'm screwed in all ways possible, and even if not it's still painful to be so far behind. If there is anyone more than me this far behind I am very surprised. Not to mention that I'd consider that situation absurd.
Junior high gave me a bad impression of both my own and others capacity. From topping every class to being a good, but not best in a few subjects and simply lower half of the class in some subjects. And in Maths I guess that I simply am the bottom.
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Yes, I'm counting it in prestige and that simply sucks. But hey, I'm getting used to the thought at least.
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Wonderful Copenhagen tomorrow though. God and all other possible gods knows that I really need that. I need some rest, physically but above all, mentally.
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I'll try to return to you as soon as possible.
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Cheers!
