18:e balladen - lars winnerbäck

Javisst kan det va' hårt ibland
å kärvt å jävligt svårt ibland
Men när det väl blir bra
ja, så lycklig man kan va'!

Half a month and a little more since I last blogged. Guess that says much about my state of mind for the moment: I've got to get a grip of myself, and my studies. The school results might be slowly rising, I am to be completely honest not sure. It however has the cost that I don't really have time to blog anymore, since the little spare-time I actually have is spent either in Lund or on that bus that I've started to despise and sometimes hate (I'll come to that in a little while) or with friends, or alone with Ems.

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And nowadays I'm thrown from overwhelming joy to pure sadness, and I think I can state with security that there are two major factors that have put me in this situation. The first one is, without doubt, the commuting. Hour after hour on a bus that doesn't seem to be going anywhere, hour after hour in an uncomfortable seat, and half of these hours spent in a way that feels totally wasted: to go back homewards, away from all that I enjoy and home to a place that is boring me to death, and which distance in between complicates everything.

Imagine, no matter at what time I end I will be home one and a half hour later, at the least. That is annoying, especially since these eternal busrides aren't very suitable for schoolwork due to bumpy roads and bad construction.

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And well... I believe I don't even have to tell what a completely fucked up feeling it is to leave a movie-night at 2200 hours, then take the bus, be home at 2330 and have in mind that all others still are there, and according to all signs having a great time. Yes, that's right: I'm home before anyone else have left. No wonder one feels like shit when actually getting home, no wonder one have trouble sleeping some nights.

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The other thing has emerged the last couple of days, but have escalated since November.

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Mathematics. There are few words that I know of that can describe my situation in a good way. Fubar is one of the few expressions that actually works. Fucked up beyond all reason, that's how it feels.

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Primarily I'm awfully pissed at myself for neglecting it the past half a year. Secondly I'm angry at the fact that I lack basics that I should have had. Thirdly I'm mad at ÖP for slowing down my development in so many ways in such a short time.

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But most of all I'm scared. Scared of failing, simply. And not just the ordinary panic-panic that I'm not getting good grades enough or getting to few MVG:s; no, I am afraid of failing it. As it is now I don't even have a shot at Math B, I've only calculated half a chapter in the book.

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It's my fault. Fuck all bad excuses, it's my fault for ignoring it and now I'm paying a bitter price.

I'm aiming at passing Maths. A G, and I'm happy. I can't achieve much more, any higher ambitions will suffocate me totally. That G is my salvation, because without it my whole world is falling apart. What about IB if I'd fail an exam? Dream on, farmer-boy.

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Blesch, I don't want to think in those areas, but I can't help but do. If I'd fail I'm screwed in all ways possible, and even if not it's still painful to be so far behind. If there is anyone more than me this far behind I am very surprised. Not to mention that I'd consider that situation absurd.

Junior high gave me a bad impression of both my own and others capacity. From topping every class to being a good, but not best in a few subjects and simply lower half of the class in some subjects. And in Maths I guess that I simply am the bottom.

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Yes, I'm counting it in prestige and that simply sucks. But hey, I'm getting used to the thought at least.

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Wonderful Copenhagen tomorrow though. God and all other possible gods knows that I really need that. I need some rest, physically but above all, mentally.

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I'll try to return to you as soon as possible.

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Cheers!

we're gonna win - bryan adams

We're gonna win
Forget about a draw - were gonna score
And then we're gonna get a few more
Maybe another one just to be sure
Well make ya' look just like an amateur
Until the final whistle it's a war
And then were gonna pick ya off the floor
We wanna hear the crowd really roar
Ya - were comin, in were, gonna win, win!


There are a few songs that can be divided into the true cathegory of "Anthems". A magnum opus of a genre or a topic, a song that defines something only by its pure sound.

This cathegory is of course highly personal, the anthems are decided upon our own experiences. I, for example, associate Watching the Stars with the book The Shining, I think of a specific street on Jersey when hearing Working on the Highway or, to a smaller part, Wind of Change, and I associate the song Heaven with the love of my life.

But heck, some songs are self-written into the cathegory. Summer of '69 is the typical summer-song, so to say, and (Everything I do) I do it for you is simply one of those songs that nearly everyone at least have heard about, if not listened to.

Yes, I mention an awful lot of Bryan Adams, this lil' Canadian. Together with ice-hockey and maple syrup one of the best things that have ever popped out of the big womb of Canada. Guess it's an unusually cold womb, but if it's enough to create persons like Bryan Adams and Wayne Gretzky and... whoever more famous person there is from Canada that isn't a model nor a hockey-player, I guess that it's just fine like that.

And why do I mention him so much? Jeez, the man is the symbol of 80's-music! Just look at his haircut on the cover of Reckless, the man is an icon! And yes, I do happen to like his music a whole lot.

I spent yesterday at Em's place, after first breaking my bike and missing a bus (that came to the bus stop right when I left: by then, it was 12 minutes late), averagely the same time, missing a train in Malmö and waiting 40 minutes for the bus in Lund. As soon as I saw her though, I forgot about the fact that the sky was in a pale shade of grey and just enjoyed being alive. There's not much people that has that effect on me. She has though, and that's a reason to love her. Or maybe it is because I love her? All of a sudden my innocent little blog post has created a complicated query for me. That's probably bad.

Tomorrow I'm going to Denmark, more specifically Lalandia. Wonderful. Well, I've heard they've got somewhat good cafés there. That'll be nice. It's better than sitting home playing a malfunctioning Xbox or a computer with a video-card beyound saviour.

As you might've noticed if you're a regular reader of this blog, I guess you are around five persons, I haven't blogged in a while. This is due to either boredom, exhaustion, being away from the computer (in e.g. Södra Sandby) or spending time with trying to fully understand the phenomenon of torrents. I guess I still haven't realized their full potential.
The world is yours...

Well, I am off now in order to sleep. Because if I don't, it will be harder to get up. And then I will be cranky in the morning. And that might have other people being annoyed. After a while, I will be thrown of when driving outside of Copenhagen. And due to the cold weather, I'll get a cold. Then I won't be able to speak clearly, and have to whisper. And we all know that the one that whispers lies. And then I'll go to jail. And in jail I might get into bad business and doing drugs, and then I'll die.

So yes, I guess I should be off to sleep now.

Cheers, see you on Friday!